My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
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It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Muppet Screams
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
me irl
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.