Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I’m only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.
You Might Also Like
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
The Rubik’s Cube’s already solved when you buy it so there’s really no reason to touch it.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
waiter: and for you madam
her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare
waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir
me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic
Me *texting her back from motel room* am I
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons