@HaleyMDriscoll

My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I’m only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.

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@carlyken

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

@ruinedpicnic

[checks window]
[locks door]
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY

@Holy_Mowgli

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

@ozzyunc

The Rubik’s Cube’s already solved when you buy it so there’s really no reason to touch it.

@copymama

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

@lincnotfound

[first date]

waiter: and for you madam

her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare

waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir

me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive

@ArfMeasures

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

@TuSoonShakur

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

@cybersoybean

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons