@HaleyMDriscoll

My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I’m only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.

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@envydatropic

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

@ehdannyboy

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@treydayway

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

@mdob11

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

@PinkCamoTO

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

@davidgrossTV

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

@sarah1mc

I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.

@BunAndLeggings

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.