Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I’m only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.
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I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.