“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.