My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I’m only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.

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Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?


[checks window]
[locks door]
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY


BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*


The Rubik’s Cube’s already solved when you buy it so there’s really no reason to touch it.


My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.


[first date]

waiter: and for you madam

her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare

waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir

me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive


[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I


I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.


mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons