the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
You Might Also Like
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.