@SufficientCharm

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

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@SimoneGiertz

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

@designersays

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

@KimmyMonte

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

@_salt_n_lime

Netflix still asking if we’re there like we can leave the gd house.

@ruthakers

I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”

So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.

@AbbieEvansXO

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

@MisterWarr

My neck tattoos are so big the three people after me don’t get hired either.

@Book_Krazy

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

@AndyAsAdjective

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

@karanlyons

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.