When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Wife: Have u done anything today?
Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street
Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
That Russian meteor footage is a nice reminder that we’re flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
wife: how was your first day
me: i was a baby
wife: i meant at work
me: *crying again* same