My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
guys i’ve cracked the code
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.