@SufficientCharm

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

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@danozzi

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

@chanelpuke

Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit

@SladeWentworth

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

@Sickayduh

Wife: Have u done anything today?

Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street

Wife: Wheelie?

Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk

@Rollinintheseat

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

@lasergirl70

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

@joerogan

That Russian meteor footage is a nice reminder that we’re flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.

@kacisuewho

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

@TweetPotato314

wife: how was your first day

me: i was a baby

wife: i meant at work

me: *crying again* same