No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed.
-every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
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We should teach North Korea a lesson and send them James Franco.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh