@curlymalloy

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

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@BrownBoxers

No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed.

-every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

@SyrupTishus_01

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

@rockymomax

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

@stockejock

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

@GensPlace

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

@SteveSuckington

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

@Kauaibride

please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.

@heyitsJudeD

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh