My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
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doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”