My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined