@UnicornSyrup

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

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@MattyBShow

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

@slaughthie

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

@ipalatsky

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

@ObscureGent

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

@Tommytoughstuff

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

@wittwitbarista

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.