My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.