@UnicornSyrup: My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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@NewDadNotes: Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch. Me: Lord of the Rings. Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie. Me: then why does it have elves? Wife: Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
@JCWisdomNuggets: Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called "babysitting". You're wrong. It's called "parenting". Not the same.
@daimonic0: If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
@TheDailySchmuck: Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads. Me: Are you Italian, my brother? Him: No. Me: Then no more pizza for you.