My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I’m putting together a team
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Just parrot things
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
“our sushi is very fresh”
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*