@AphroditeAfter5

My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!

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@sannewman

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

@AndLive2Love

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

@finn_viqueen

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

@theDUDE___

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

@EZ_G

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

@MattKrahe

A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.

@ObscureGent

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.