My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!

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ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857


If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.


[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.


When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.


Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.


me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there


A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.


Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.