[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
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[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My neck my back my allergy attack
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Taco Bell, Exit 22