I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I think the cat got the dog high.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.