@amysowerby

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

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@Playing_Dad

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

@stellarjulez808

If a mad scientist ever clones me, throw a cube of cheese in the air. The faster one is me.

@JiminyKicksIt

I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it ‘cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.

@BarlowAdams

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

@Gupton68

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

@DaHess1

Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice..

*70 million white women turn around*

@ThaJawn

What do you want for dinner?

4: A bucket..

*Googles better school districts

@imdaintyaf

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )