H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
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People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.