My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I’m sure it’s fine.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.