Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
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legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Check your privilege
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest