My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA