My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
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ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Friday night party time 🥳
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again