@TheMichaelRock

My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.

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@UnFitz

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

@Barknado69

[Sex Shop]

Worker: can I help you?

Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please

@Sassafrantz

[texting]
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.

@fulciHugazombie

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

@OtherDanOBrien

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

@sarcasticmommy4

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

@superdadatron

*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?

@omgthatspunny

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.

@gfishandnuggets

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.