My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
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Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
😏😏😏
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*