If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
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ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
The 9 circles of hell:
1) shopping on Black Friday
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
If you’re wearing khaki above the waist I’m going to assume you know everything about every animal.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?
Me: YOU LIVE ALONE
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.