People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.