@MomofTeen

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

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@myles_morrison

People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?

@Elizasoul80

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

@moose_chocolate

If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.

@ashmensch

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

@AddledPixie

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

@SaveItForFest

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

@kimtopher22

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

@LilBlueBlood

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

@lolajxx

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

@brianbowman73

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.