My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
You Might Also Like
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
The booster protects against what, now?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
He wanted to make sure😂
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.