My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
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Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!