My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

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Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up



Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*


Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.


Good afternoon. Coworker Z just spotted exiting the bathroom…with a bag of chips. Bless.


On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.


me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip


The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.


If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.