“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.