My brain is a bad influence on me
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Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake