Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
My brain is a bad influence on me
You Might Also Like
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.
CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Single men not in love with me.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends
*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”
Keep calm and text a random number…”I’m pregnant”