@CatsVsHumanity

My brain is a bad influence on me

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@JKNenagh

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

@FrazzleMyGimp

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

@thenatewolf

Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

@garrydavenport

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

@Home_Halfway

Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

@patrickmarkryan

*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”

@KeepCaIm

Keep calm and text a random number…”I’m pregnant”