Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?
Interviewer: No like long term.
My brain is a bad influence on me
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#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…
*therapist scribbles furiously*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.