My brain is a bad influence on me

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Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?

Me: Lunch

Interviewer: No like long term.

Me: Oh…Dinner.


#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women


Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.


When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.


All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.


{marriage counseling}

I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…

*therapist scribbles furiously*


Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.


Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.


*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us


Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.