My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
You Might Also Like
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Celery is depressing green water wafers.