My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
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my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.