Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
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My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I feel it
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas