Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
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“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Xylophonist Shredding It
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.