My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

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Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids


Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.


30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.


Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.


All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.


i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more


The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.


i see a little silhouetto of a bug
can we close the damn window