My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
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everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*