“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
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I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.