@BromanConsul

My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.

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@yendys1

Oh you like Oreos? Name five of their albums. And I’m talking their obscure shit like watermelon, none of this main stream birthday cake shi

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

@WeIcomeToNature

This sheep escaped a farm and spent 6 years in the mountains, during which time he grew 60 pounds of wool. Predators tried to eat him, but their teeth could not penetrate the floof. You don’t have to turn hard to survive the wolves, just be really, really soft and fluffy.

@Mike_Bianchi

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

@LloBrow

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

@Aut_tot

People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I’m using creamer because I love myself