her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
You Might Also Like
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Breaking news:
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Friday
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.