@kimtopher22

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

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@fro_vo

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

@Hector_Srsly

#WhenIWasYourAge getting pictures were at least a one hour ordeal that involved other people and a lab

@Ctrapmrspash

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

@JarodNotJared

Its the little things that bring the most joy – Like sneaking a home pregnancy test in the shopping cart of a mom/daughter combo & observing

@snowflakecheese

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

@thatUPSdude

Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.

Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.

@AbbieEvansXO

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

@JosesLovesYou

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer