My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
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[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Before & after 😅
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.