My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
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Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Found the job I’m suited for
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.