My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.