My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
You Might Also Like
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Do one person every day that scares you.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?