My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
You Might Also Like
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
BRAKING NEWS!!
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.