My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.