My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
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Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Who called it baking and not making love
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.