When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
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Dads: what times your flight?
Dads: id get there at 8am
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
What doesn’t kill you, tries again.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
To protest Donald Sterling’s racist comments I’m going to continue to not care about basketball.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer