@thetigersez

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

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@onedumbshark

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.

@squirrel74wkgn

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

@jenyb4

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

@_The_Man__

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

@breeinthestee

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

@WhiskeySoured

To protest Donald Sterling’s racist comments I’m going to continue to not care about basketball.

@MelvinofYork

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer