My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
You Might Also Like
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.