@wheatnik

My bucket list is just the words “afford things” written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

You Might Also Like

@ItsDanSheehan

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

@LostFelicia

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

@thestlouisan

I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.

@briancgrubb

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

@Jake_Vig

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

@pleatedjeans

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

@tlemco

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

@DumbConfessions

Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”

Both: “LOLOLOLOL”

@DurtMcHurtt

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

@prufrockluvsong

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars