We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
My bucket list is just the words “afford things” written in orange crayon on a paper towel.
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I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”
God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars