@Brianhopecomedy

My buddy has a telescope but I don’t think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, “Samantha”.

You Might Also Like

@wickedsuga

My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

@jazz_inmypants

my daughter, Alexa: my name is so annoying

me: sorry honey in my defense u were born before it was a thing

my son, Google Assistant: yea alexa give dad a break

@TheHyyyype

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

@FU_TangClan

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

@kathybotteas

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

@lmwortho

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

@DrakeGatsby

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

@Coastiefish

Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.

It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.

@OldSpookMan

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”