My buddy has a telescope but I don’t think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, “Samantha”.

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Prince: “The slipper fits! You’re the girl I met!”
Girl: “I wasn’t even at the ball. This is a common shoe size.”
Prince: “YOU’RE THE GIRL!”


I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.


ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.


“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”


ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman


I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.


doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made