My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.
My buddy has a telescope but I don’t think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, “Samantha”.
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John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
my daughter, Alexa: my name is so annoying
me: sorry honey in my defense u were born before it was a thing
my son, Google Assistant: yea alexa give dad a break
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
therapist: what do you see
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Don’t say “ATM machine”. The “M” already stands for “machine”.
It’s redundant. It’s like saying “end result” or “racist Fox News Anchor”.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”