My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
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I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!