My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
You Might Also Like
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.