My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
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Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5: The good ones do.