My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
You Might Also Like
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.