@WilliamRodgers

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

You Might Also Like

@KandyKoehn

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

@LoveNLunchmeat

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

@adler_chris

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

@HopeUproar

Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.

@LarrysTwin99

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

@BrettDruck

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

@jackiembouvier

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

@TheAlexNevil

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

@TheMichaelRock

The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!

(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)