My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
saw this in a dream
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.