My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

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I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.


[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone


You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.


Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”


The four stages of a day off:

1. I will do so much stuff
2. Later I’ll do lots of stuff
3. Eventually, I’ll do some stuff
4. Oh no.


Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.


Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.


Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)


Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.