@RunOldMan

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

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@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

@TheHyyyype

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

@RadWizzy

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

@BlindChow

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

@_steamy_mac

Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I’m pretending I’m gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.

@robwhisman

teens don’t realize how privileged they are to have these smartphones. it used to be you’d have to read shampoo ingredients on the toilet but now with the phones you can just snap a pic of the bottle and read them wherever

@NapVeg

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man