I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
The four stages of a day off:
1. I will do so much stuff
2. Later I’ll do lots of stuff
3. Eventually, I’ll do some stuff
4. Oh no.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I haven’t been the same since my mom gave birth to me.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.