My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My love language is hissing.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.