MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
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When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.