My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
gentlemen, hear me out
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows