@UnFitz

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

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@Landon8426

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

@BlindChow

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

@toomanytoes

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

@isabelzawtun

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

@internetluke

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

@aisha_aaron

Can’t wait to tell my kids how I survived almost 3 months without seeing my friends so they won’t die if they don’t go for a sleepover at Angie’s house

@kill_hat

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

@threetimedaddy

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?