My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Haha! 😂
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My therapist after every session
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?