@VodkaThursday

My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won’t stand for any of that shit

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@BridgetPhetasy

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

@Keally22

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

@Darlainky

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

@stephenjmolloy

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

@ThatMummyLife

When I make grilled cheese for the kids I get excited because I get to eat the crust. 2 is in a “MINE” phase and won’t allow me to eat her scraps. I’ve now resorted to hiding in corners and shoving crusts down my gullet like an animal.

@MrPhetz

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

@Dank_Pal

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

@hoverbird

Everybody thinks “The Social Network” is the best movie about forming a new startup, but they are wrong. The best movie is “Ghostbusters”.

@JoroPotential

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?