Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won’t stand for any of that shit
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
When I make grilled cheese for the kids I get excited because I get to eat the crust. 2 is in a “MINE” phase and won’t allow me to eat her scraps. I’ve now resorted to hiding in corners and shoving crusts down my gullet like an animal.
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Everybody thinks “The Social Network” is the best movie about forming a new startup, but they are wrong. The best movie is “Ghostbusters”.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?