@VodkaThursday

My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won’t stand for any of that shit

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@andytwined

I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

@inSanelySami

Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

@aotakeo

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

@toriavaa

My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore

@BoogTweets

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

@MarlonBrandNO

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

@dimplesticks

Me: My sister is pregnant

Him: Does she know the sex?

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant

@NotARatsAss

“Do you need a ride?”

Me, to every jogger I pass in my car

@Kids_kubed

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

@Eagle_Vision

My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.