My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won’t stand for any of that shit

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I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.


Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.


me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?


My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore


Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.



ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*


Me: My sister is pregnant

Him: Does she know the sex?

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant


“Do you need a ride?”

Me, to every jogger I pass in my car


When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?


My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.