Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
it’s finally my moment to shine
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.