When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My business card just says “Sorry I spilled coffee on your baby.”
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Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Because I love being cold 95% of my life.
So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.