@ozzyunc

My business card just says “Sorry I spilled coffee on your baby.”

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@lmegordon

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

@BriarSlyMalice

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

@maisondecris

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

@adamhess1

So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”

@octoberjuneblog

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

@Shen_the_Bird

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

@BadJordon

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.