*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand