My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.

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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”


If you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear.


Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!


Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.


Me: (In the shower)

Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?


If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.


Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery


Me: *gestures at kid* Well?

Wife: i meant the hamster


I promise, I’m only gonna have 2 beers tonight…. 2 beers in dog beers