@pinupteacher

My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.

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@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

@TheHyyyype

If you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear.

@AlanRutledge

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

@SuperRandomish

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

@suburbanified

Me: (In the shower)

Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?

@aliterative

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

@sonictyrant

Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery

[Later]

Me: *gestures at kid* Well?

Wife: i meant the hamster

@ReeMURDA

I promise, I’m only gonna have 2 beers tonight…. 2 beers in dog beers